Stylishly Forgiving: Navigating Grace and Boundaries

You often hear people say, “I’ll forgive, but I won’t forget.” But as I’m experiencing life, and developing my relationship with Christ, I’m learning that may not be true forgiveness.

One thing I’m actively learning about is conflicting beliefs. As a Christian living in this world there are things that make worldly sense, but they contradict the teachings of the Bible. One of those things is surrounding the topic of forgiveness and grace. I think about the saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” Often, when people wrong us, we become upset with them, and then we no longer want to give them the same access to us again. Our own form of punishing them, yet protecting ourselves.

But Christ forgives us over and over and over, and he still loves us, gives us access to him, and forgets our wrongdoings; forgets our hurting him. We are taught to live as Christ lived and be as Christ-like as we can.

Then on the other hand, we’re taught not to let people continue to play in our face. If we allow others to continue to hurt us, and we keep going back, then we’re seen as weak, or dumb, or whatever else society comes up with. But then we’re also taught not to care about what others think of us, as long as we’re happy, or for Christians, as long as it pleases Christ.

And with all that, now I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

The Bible says in Proverbs 4:23 to guard your heart above all else because everything you do flows from it. That makes me ask myself a series of questions. If I don’t forgive someone for something, am I holding space for that hurt to live in my heart? Is it causing me to project that onto other situations? What if I’ve forgiven, but I still remember? Maybe forgetting doesn’t mean erasing the memory, but rather, it means no longer allowing it to control me. Maybe it’s about remembering without the emotional weight. If God forgets our sins, does that mean He literally has no memory of them? Or does it mean He chooses not to hold them against us anymore?

Is remembering the hurt causing me to still live with said hurt? Is this why I haven’t fully healed from my trauma? What does guarding my heart mean for me? Do I not deal with that person because I know their actions trigger me? If I choose not to deal with them anymore, does this mean I’m not giving them the same grace that God gives me? But maybe guarding my heart doesn’t mean shutting people out—it means using wisdom. I can forgive someone and still recognize they aren’t safe for me. That doesn’t mean I’m withholding grace; it means I’m honoring the wisdom God has given me.

I’ve had instances in my life where it took me a long time to forgive someone. I’ve had situations where I forgave someone immediately, and I also have situations where I still haven’t truly forgiven someone – or someones. Often times I find myself thinking about a past situation and getting mad all over again. That lets me know I haven’t really forgiven them. Or maybe I have and I’m just remembering how the disrespect made me feel. There’s people who’ve wronged me in my life, and I’m cordial with them, but I could never see myself giving them the same access to me as they once had. So does that mean I haven’t forgiven them?

As I sit here and reflect, I think about the numerous times I’ve been hurt by people who say they love me, or that they care about me in some shape or form. And I think that there’s only been one person in my life where I’ve truly forgiven them for a certain situation. And it makes me wonder why that is. What is it about that relationship, or what is it about me, that enables me to think about the specific instance where they hurt me and I don’t even get angry, sad, or any other down emotion? How can I be around this person and not care about that situation anymore? Or does it have nothing to do with either of us at all, and God just interceded? Probably the latter.

Then I sit and I think about my romantic relationships – past and present. There are guys who I’ve sworn I will never be in a serious relationship with ever again. Does this mean I haven’t forgiven them for their actions that hurt me? Or I do forgive them, and am I just guarding my heart? It’s tricky.

I think about how my trust is so messed up and how dating is difficult for me now. I think it’s because there’s one specific ex who I haven’t forgiven. It’s wild because in the past, they’ve hurt me, I forgave them (after a while), and I was able to interact with them as if nothing happened. But then they would hurt me again.... and again. And now it’s gotten to a point to where I don’t want to be “fooled again.” Despite their claims about loving me/caring for me, their actions proved otherwise. I reflected on all the instances where they disappointed me, and the disrespect was so loud. I revoked their access to me. So is this living in my heart and preventing me from healing, which is causing me to project that hurt on current situations? Maybe the reason I’m so triggered is because I’ve been holding onto the idea that forgiveness means I have to welcome someone back into my life. But what if forgiveness is about setting myself free, not them? What if I don’t have to forget the hurt, but I do have to let go of the control it has over me?

I may not have all the answers, but what I do know is that I don’t want to hold space for bitterness in my heart. I want to protect my peace while still being someone who gives grace. Maybe forgiveness isn’t a one-time thing—it’s a process, one that I’m still working through. And maybe that’s okay.

Forgiveness isn’t always easy, but it’s necessary for healing. What does forgiveness look like for you? Is it something you’re still working through? Let’s talk about it—drop a comment or shoot me a DM.

Stylishly yours,

Azha Moné